You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
