Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have aggressive nipples.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
