guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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