btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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