when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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