one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
