Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
