I think my fart just growled at me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
