8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
