I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
