we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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