he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
