I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
