The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
