i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
