dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
