My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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