im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
