When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
