He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
