How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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