You can't motorboat a personality
i love accidental penises.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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