It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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