apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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