Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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