I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
