If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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