The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
