he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
