the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
