you traded sex for a burrito?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
