Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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