Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
