i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
