Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
