Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
