you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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