just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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