my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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