She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
