Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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