her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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