these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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