Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
