even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
