I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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