I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
