Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
high people should be assigned attendants
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
