Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
