just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
