Will you blow on my dice?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
