It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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