Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
