She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
they need to just BURY HIM!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
