I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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