where am i from again
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
